Pap Sneers

I hate the ob-gyn's office. The air is thick with estrogen and ovulation. I can't breathe. All these bloated, waddling women with two kids already in tow and a beleaguered husband bringing up the rear make me shudder. Time in the waiting room is like being on Mars. Surrounded by breeding aliens, I tend to busy myself by reading the diagnosis sheet and making myself laugh. Here are some of Monday's highlights:

Pessary fitting: "Sure is hard to get them pigs to stay still so you can measure 'em right."
Oligospermia cup: "Would you like to supersize that?"
Skin tag removal up to 15: "Now THAT's a bargain!"
Ova/parasites: "I hope the nurse washes her hands between patients."
Mixed incontinence: "Great with lime."
Hepatic function panel: "Please press start to activate your liver."
Laminaria/prostaglandin: "I saw that tour last month."
Molluscum contagiosum "You gotta watch those clams; they're catching."
Molar pregnancy: "What a toothache that was!"
Large for dates: "Hard to find a skinny girlfriend these days."
PUPPS: "They're cute until they pee on the rug."
Nipple yeast: "Thankyougoodnight."