Unbound
2010 was intense. I had promised myself it would be a year of change.
2009 ended with me stressed and unhappy. My job sucked. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't concentrate. Didn't know how to be still any more. Am I a heavy metal lifer or a crappy corporate project manager or just a fool trying to have my cake and eat it, too? I didn't know any more.
Sick and tired of feeling incompetent, I decided I'd try something new-ish and took up guitar again. Playing had been an intense love during my adolescence. From age 13 to 17, my boyfriend of choice was a piece of shit red guitar and an amp with no distortion. Every afternoon, from 3:30 until 7, I'd hammer that POS until my mother would bellow at me to stop. My dream was a Kramer Voyager in white (unlike the ever-so-80s craquelure finish pictured below):
Human boyfriends and college eventually got in the way. The red POS and amp were sold at a flea market for $35. I convinced myself I'd sucked royally at guitar and it was better for me to just sing. But I never forgot how much I liked playing, even if I had sucked.
It's been eating at me for 20 years.
In Sept 2009, I picked up a black Schecter Omen and Line 6 Spider III amp, plus a Boss Metal Core pedal (yes, I tried the Metal Zone and didn't like it). Shortly therefafter, a Mesa 4X12 Stiletto cabinet showed up to go along with the Marshall TSL 100 I got for trade.
Oh six string boyfriend, how I missed you.
It didn't take long for me to start looking at other guitars. The Schecter wasn't jealous and was actually looking for a break from the daily hammering. After much debate, I brought home an Ibanez Xiphos XPT700 in blue chameleon:
I just realized a couple weeks ago, I ended up buying the modern version of my beloved Kramer Voyager. Life repeats itself, closing its unfinished circles.
So I played. Hard. I learned scales. Forced myself to pick efficiently, rather than saw away like a marionette on crack. Started jamming covers with some friends. When I spoke about playing, I resisted the impulse to say "I suck." More times than not, I said, "I'm having a lot of fun." In the summer of 2010, it happened: my speed and accuracy increased by an exponential amount. There was more ringing out than bonging of wrong strings. There even were pinch harmonics.
I said to myself, "Goddammit, I'm taking back what I didn't get as a teenager. I'm going to play guitar and do vocals in a band of my own."
Thus, Morgengrau was born.
Fueled by the realization that I did not suck as a guitarist and could learn something new even at my advanced age, I began going through an intense period of career assessment. I was stretched far too thin on the work front, a cinder, really. This cannot continue, I told myself.
Some of you will remember my excitement over getting my project management professional certification back in December 2008. You know what?
I hated doing PM, at least in the role I had.
I felt like an utter failure, even though my "ships" did stay afloat. There was no way in hell I'd let them sink: I was constantly bailing water to keep the bows from foundering, patching sails, repairing the engines and begging my crew to just do their fucking jobs and not filibuster about why they couldn't finish a task so simple a 5 year old with some gumption could do.
Exhausted. Drowning in the deeps of my own "personal success" dream.
After a year of searching, I took a different job. It's not PM. It's magical. I'm so much happier. So much less stressed. It's not perfect - given I work with other humans - but it's renewed my faith that one can work for a megacorporation and not trade your soul for a paycheck.
Music kept me sane despite the workplace misery. I went to 39 shows in 2010, three of which were multi-day festivals. Discovered what an amazing festival Jalometalli is. Had a lot of laughs with Drifter, culminating in a bang-up gig Sept 18 at Clicks Billards in San Antonio, TX. For the first time in my life, I did NOT hypercriticize myself (oh FUCK look how fat you are, you have bingo wings, etc, etc) while watching video of the gig. We destroyed that night. Took a chance and entered the Hail of Bullets Karaoke contest for Operation Z and won second place (that blew my mind). Recorded a few songs for Tony Bracaglia, although the last quarter of the year was a rout due to that jaw surgery which made singing impossible.
Read 16 books.
Kept my weight and blood levels stable.
Did a pro photosession with the very talented Roseann Dreasher of CapturedInPrint.com, which I'd been promising myself since 2007.
Remodeled my office after thinking about it for 7 years.
Stopped drinking coffee.
And most importantly, remembered who I truly am.
Many thanks to the faithful who read this blog. Your interest reminds me I have something of worth to contribute. May you enter 2011 with courage and find the insight, adventure and satisfaction you desire.
2009 ended with me stressed and unhappy. My job sucked. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't concentrate. Didn't know how to be still any more. Am I a heavy metal lifer or a crappy corporate project manager or just a fool trying to have my cake and eat it, too? I didn't know any more.
Sick and tired of feeling incompetent, I decided I'd try something new-ish and took up guitar again. Playing had been an intense love during my adolescence. From age 13 to 17, my boyfriend of choice was a piece of shit red guitar and an amp with no distortion. Every afternoon, from 3:30 until 7, I'd hammer that POS until my mother would bellow at me to stop. My dream was a Kramer Voyager in white (unlike the ever-so-80s craquelure finish pictured below):
Human boyfriends and college eventually got in the way. The red POS and amp were sold at a flea market for $35. I convinced myself I'd sucked royally at guitar and it was better for me to just sing. But I never forgot how much I liked playing, even if I had sucked.
It's been eating at me for 20 years.
In Sept 2009, I picked up a black Schecter Omen and Line 6 Spider III amp, plus a Boss Metal Core pedal (yes, I tried the Metal Zone and didn't like it). Shortly therefafter, a Mesa 4X12 Stiletto cabinet showed up to go along with the Marshall TSL 100 I got for trade.
Oh six string boyfriend, how I missed you.
It didn't take long for me to start looking at other guitars. The Schecter wasn't jealous and was actually looking for a break from the daily hammering. After much debate, I brought home an Ibanez Xiphos XPT700 in blue chameleon:
I just realized a couple weeks ago, I ended up buying the modern version of my beloved Kramer Voyager. Life repeats itself, closing its unfinished circles.
So I played. Hard. I learned scales. Forced myself to pick efficiently, rather than saw away like a marionette on crack. Started jamming covers with some friends. When I spoke about playing, I resisted the impulse to say "I suck." More times than not, I said, "I'm having a lot of fun." In the summer of 2010, it happened: my speed and accuracy increased by an exponential amount. There was more ringing out than bonging of wrong strings. There even were pinch harmonics.
I said to myself, "Goddammit, I'm taking back what I didn't get as a teenager. I'm going to play guitar and do vocals in a band of my own."
Thus, Morgengrau was born.
Fueled by the realization that I did not suck as a guitarist and could learn something new even at my advanced age, I began going through an intense period of career assessment. I was stretched far too thin on the work front, a cinder, really. This cannot continue, I told myself.
Some of you will remember my excitement over getting my project management professional certification back in December 2008. You know what?
I hated doing PM, at least in the role I had.
I felt like an utter failure, even though my "ships" did stay afloat. There was no way in hell I'd let them sink: I was constantly bailing water to keep the bows from foundering, patching sails, repairing the engines and begging my crew to just do their fucking jobs and not filibuster about why they couldn't finish a task so simple a 5 year old with some gumption could do.
Exhausted. Drowning in the deeps of my own "personal success" dream.
After a year of searching, I took a different job. It's not PM. It's magical. I'm so much happier. So much less stressed. It's not perfect - given I work with other humans - but it's renewed my faith that one can work for a megacorporation and not trade your soul for a paycheck.
Music kept me sane despite the workplace misery. I went to 39 shows in 2010, three of which were multi-day festivals. Discovered what an amazing festival Jalometalli is. Had a lot of laughs with Drifter, culminating in a bang-up gig Sept 18 at Clicks Billards in San Antonio, TX. For the first time in my life, I did NOT hypercriticize myself (oh FUCK look how fat you are, you have bingo wings, etc, etc) while watching video of the gig. We destroyed that night. Took a chance and entered the Hail of Bullets Karaoke contest for Operation Z and won second place (that blew my mind). Recorded a few songs for Tony Bracaglia, although the last quarter of the year was a rout due to that jaw surgery which made singing impossible.
Read 16 books.
Kept my weight and blood levels stable.
Did a pro photosession with the very talented Roseann Dreasher of CapturedInPrint.com, which I'd been promising myself since 2007.
Remodeled my office after thinking about it for 7 years.
Stopped drinking coffee.
And most importantly, remembered who I truly am.
Many thanks to the faithful who read this blog. Your interest reminds me I have something of worth to contribute. May you enter 2011 with courage and find the insight, adventure and satisfaction you desire.
posted by Skullgal at 1:44 PM
4 Comments:
In reference to your last paragraph: I just came here by accident and have no idea who you are, but that was a really engaging post, and I enjoyed reading it immensely.
Eff yes! My first electric guitar was a white Kramer (Strat shape). I still kind of miss it.
I recently started applying some semblance of discipline to my guitar playing, too, and now I'm a better player than in my prime as a teenager. Admittedly, that isn't saying much. But it's rare and cool that we can get better at things as we get older. Usually we just degenerate.
It's great that you got the new job. I had to look up "bingo wings" - big laughs! The whole point of taking corporate money is to do something cool with it. May your 2011 be full of that!
Glad to see you had such a productive year! I too have picked up the guitar again. I've been piddling on and off with it for about five years and even took a class at CTC (with the man who was Tony's full-time teacher! Spiffy) I recently started paying serious attention to it (yet again) when Tony had me play his guitar for a little bit as a level check.
Best of luck with Morgengrau!
Awesome post, kiddo!
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